tHE bACK pAGE
You have been warned ....
How to find a Masculine Halloween costume for your Effeminate Son
The Department of Bovine Economics
You may be wondering whether the bACK pAGE does indeed have such a department. Dear Readers, indeed it does ...
Our dedicated team (they are, they are) have been slaving night and day to bring you this updated version of 20+ Bovine Economic Models. Read, mark and inwardly digest, we suggest the horseradish sauce ...
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You share these with your neighbour. Private cow owners disapprove.
COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk but you have to wait in long queues and there's no flavoured milk. There are 5 Year Bovine Output Plans which are always exceeded ....
FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. Huge bad-taste stadia and monuments are built celebrating past bovine empire.
NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. No one supplies kosher milk anymore.
BUREAUCRATISM /EU You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away having stored it in huge milk lakes for 15 years ...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. Your neighbour starves as he hasn't got even one. You give his orphan children a little milk because you feel bad. A national bovine health insurance scheme is considered communist by many.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. The Government caves in. The Minister for Milk Production is arrested in a sex scandal involving milk maids and is duly acquited and becomes the next President.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. The cows run on time.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know (or care) where they are. You decide to have lunch. The prime minister denies he dated one of the cows and is investigated .... again.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and see you have five cows. You count them again and see you have 42 cows. You count them again and see you now have 2 cows and a pink elephant. You stop counting cows, you shoo the elephant out and open another bottle of vodka. You tell sad and meaningful tales of past Russian Imperial and Soviet Bovine Glory.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. No one can find out frrom you whose cows they are. You aren't happy to talk about cows acquired from Germany between 1939 and 1945.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
NORTH KOREAN COWS It's a known fact that cows were invented by the Great Leader who is not dead. The 2(?) cows get fed whilst millions starve but the masses are happy and well-fed and sing the Great Leader's praises in mass rallies which they like having to attend. The milk is supplied to Kim Jong Il so he can continue to lead the people towards socialism.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. The dung makes into loads of bricks. You employ loads of people staffing bovine call centres on behalf of cow owners all over the world.
A BRITISH CORPORATION There are two parties in a Coalition Government. You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows because they gave you lots, at first you want them to believe this fearing dominance by hardline Iranian Islamic herders. Then you are suspected of posing a threat to other cow owners because they think you do or might have a huge herd of mass cows hidden underground. You are on the horns of a dilemma. So you tell everyone now that you have none. UN Bovine Inspectors are sent in, they can't find any hidden but then you chuck them out before they're finished because you don't want the Iranian herders to find out you really don't have any hidden cows, and you insist you have no such cows now knowing no one can check on this. No-one believes you, your bluff fails and they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. In the end you do have no cows (they all died during sanctions or they're owned now by American cow owners), your country descends into murderous bovine factional in-fighting, but at least now you are part of the Democratic cow-owning world .... So is everyone clear about what's happened?
THE AFGHANISTAN CORPORATION You have 2 cows, and as you are based in Kabul, you would like to ensure you can really own both but other farmers with strict bovine ideas (cows have to wear burhkas etc) want to displace you. You call in American herders to help you control the pasture and a prolonged range war ensues. You diversify into drugs and like to watch teen dancing bullocks in your spare time.
NIGERIAN RELIGION You set up The Church of Jesus Christ the Wealthy Cow Owner (Inc) and preach all over the country to packed audiences telling them they will all be given 2 cows each by God so long as they tithe 10% of their earnings to the Church. With this you buy more than 2 cows but you are a little embarrassed to say exactly how many you own.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
THE SUB-PRIME BEEF (WALL STREET) CONNECTION You loan the farmer money to buy the 2 cows, you don't bother to check he can afford to repay. You sell the debt which becomes toxic even if the milk isn't contaminated. As the whole economy built on this collapses, you milk the taxpayer and still cream off a fat bonus. "We are are not to blame." They are not to blame. They can go about their business. "We're still in business." Someone else can pay. "Someone else will pay." (The old Jedi Mind Trick) But the market is far from Bullish ....
Serious Crime Outbreak triggers action....
"We're from the Oxfam Shop and we're here to do some steamin' ..."
When I grow up ... or, Mummy's explanation
Universal laws of existance
The bACK pAGE Department of Ethical Uncertainty (oh there is, there is, well maybe there ought to be) has submitted a thesis for consideration by the Ignobel Committee, where we postulate (even ex-postulate) basic derived laws of living. Here are some:
1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15... Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Obesity Wonder Cure
the bACK pAGE paediatric health advisory service (well, did you think we wouldn't have one) has scoured the globe for immediate solutions to this challenging problem (we do also deal in unchallenging non-problems of course). When the american fries are down who else do we look to for the sauce of perspir- er- inspiration? Why UNCLE SAM of course! Look at this 'infomercial' and ask, who else could have produced anything like this .....
Merchant Bankers showing the ropes
The Real Child Protection
That is, parents, carers, playworkers etc needing protection. You know (you do, you do) much insight about human children has been gained from the study of the young of other advanced mammals. the bACK pAGE Natural Studies Unit (just two doors down from the Unnatural Studies Unit) now releases video of test results of a New Approach.
True Blood Children's Services
Fair Play's national office has asked us to help with a serious case they had sent to them recently. Seriously, someone asked for a Restbite Break. Our Department of Transyvanian Affairs (Suck on It and See, Yes you must) has investigated the danger to children .....
"You said introduce you to my sister after school one day ...."
Prime Minister ... Watch Out who's behind You!
Riot Special Sports Feature
Have you heard? Tottenham's new signing ..... Grabatelli (costs millions)
Riot Special Arts Page
Many years ago that doyen of academic songwriting, Professor Tom Lehrer proffered a song to help "understanding": 'National Brotherhood Week'
The 'bACK pAGE' Cultural Unit (Yes there is) has beavered away (we made many trunk calls and didn't give a dam, no we didn't) and came up with this modern re-casting.
"Oh the left-wing blames the right wing
And the right-wing blames the left-wing
And the Church blames the government
AND the govt BLAMES THE PARENTS
But ..... everyone blames the youths
But its riot in your neighbourhood week
Grab a plasma and an ipod week
Dontworry theres so much to choose.
You can watch a repeat ..... around the same time next year"
Riot Special "Famous Films" Re-make
"Cash-a-banker" [Family Participation/Viewing]
Renault: "I'm shocked, shocked to find that looting is going on in
"Your share from the phone shop, sir".
[sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much.
[aloud] Captain Renault: "Everybody's arrested, get the Met in at once!"
Billy Bragg on Scousers and Murdoch
Amglo-European Translation Guide
The bACK pAGE International Affairs (Hmm ... nice) Department is exercised (yes it is) at the thought of diplomatic misunderstanding posing threats to good neighbourly rleationships between states (yes we are). So ..... in the interests of promoting understanding, our Diplomatic Niceties Unit (yes it is) has researched through volumes of minutes and notes (YAWN) in order to produce the following Translation Guide to be used when encountering members of British Diplomatic Delegations in negotiation with their European Counterparts.
Travel tips if you are taking your children on a plane ...
warning to wapping ....
Tell us if you agree with the above
New bACK pAGE Improved Parliamentary Enquiry Pie Deflector! (Yes it is)
Click this video and aim cursor for the nose ...
(Thanks to our bACK pAGE Big Society Volunteer (Yes he is) Hans Hududishes for sitting here at your leisure)
Coming soon also Twai-Parly Murdo, for women defending scumbag husbands ... delivers a stunning right hook
bACK pAGE WORLD BEACH HEALTH & SAFETY AWARD
Catholic Church Abuse Scandal :
"We will Altar Our Boys .... er, sorry, Ways"
The New Face of Child Labour ...
Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line
bACK pAGE BIG MAC Award:
In this edition, can we offer it to The Daily Scale (as in something associated with lime) for their persistent efforts to demonise children as in this recent example:
Duly Awarded .....
Even More Trouble with Kids:
Report Finds Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment
EDUCATION NEWS: Cuts Bite Into Teaching Resources - the Facts
UN Troops Mass to Enforce Child Rights Convention in America
UN troops on the move in the Arizona Desert
Dr Barking Madd, leader of the influential Parental Rites Association today warned all Americans to beware of the Osama Administration's vile plans to ratify the so-called UN Convention on the Rights of the Child.
Dr Madd speakin' today
"Their agenda is to ensure GOD-FEARING HOME-SCHOOLIN' parents are locked away in camps while thousands of UN bureaucrats indoctrinate our kids with their subversive ideas at gunpoint. Their plans include:
Dr Madd vehemently protested as he was being led away by allegedly kindly officials in white (house) coats.
Republican Senator Rory O'Bigot commented: "These ideas are not only crazy, they're crazy enough for us to campaign for. Wowee!"
Senator O'Bigot (GOP)
Murdoch's contrition ....